Scene: My mom picks up my beginners juggling kit.
Me: I am learning how to juggle.
My mom: So you can impress the boys?
I roll my eyes.
Me: Last time I checked, guys weren’t into girls who could juggle and are watching Star Wars movies all weekend.
My mom: I don’t know. Boys usually like girls who can juggle balls.
Me: UGH! Why do you insist on slipping sexual innuendoes into our conversations, Mother?!?!?!
My mom: Oh you said ‘Mother’, you must be annoyed.
Scene: My mom and I are strolling through Target taking our time when I see the smut phenomenon known as “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
Me: Oh look it’s the book you wanted for Mother’s Day, “Fifty Shades of Grey”.
I pick it up and dance it around her face. She takes it from my hand.
Me: Are you going to buy it?
My mom: I don’t know if I should.
Me: Why not?
My mom: ‘Cause I’m all alone. I’ll get all worked up and won’t know what to do with myself.
I clutch my chest and walk around in circles.
Me: AHHH! AHHH! UGH! I’m ill!
I give her THE stink eye.
My mom: HAHAHA Oh Sara! You’re a bit dramatic.
Me: I’ve never done drugs in my life. Not even smoked pot.
My mom: Neither have I, well except pot. I tried a puff of pot once with Timmy. I hated it. I told him, ‘Maybe if you put that shit in some brownies.’
Well, I have a job offer. It is conditional on a background check and a drug test, which I feel fairrrrrly confident I will pass both. I have mixed emotions about this opportunity. Is it my dream job? No, but it is something to give me experience until I figure out what is is that I want to do. I look forward to where this could lead me. Everything happens for a reason, no? I have messaged everyone I love who has been supportive and rooting for me with the news and no surprise, their continued love and support made my day. Bisou bisou!
You know this funk of mine has really taken control of so much in my life that I have lost sight of who I really am. Being an extremely passionate person comes with some serious strings attached and that is something I am trying to accept. Other people don’t feeeel things the way I do. They just don’t. A passionate person can always recognize another one of their kind because even if you don’t like one another, you can sense it. It is something you just know, my mentor told me that. That I would find few people who truly live with passion. It is a word that people like to throw around, but when you have it…you know it and you know when others have it too. You just know. I am missing that in my life right now. Are you passionate? Send yourself my way. Let’s live life together.
To fill the void in my life, I have plans and ambitions that need to be met. Happiness is a choice and “happiness is only real when shared” (Into the Wild). Those are the two things I have come to know and discover in my life. What am I working towards right now?
1. Piano Lessons…haha! You’re never too old to learn an instrument. I was listening to a wonderful NPR broadcast a short while back and they had a guest who in his mid-30’s to pick up an instrument and go with it. This is what I have done. I encourage others to do the same.
2. Fluent in French? Not yet. I am in the process of finding a tutor. Craigslists is a shady place people…my advice just ask people you know to help you. Several colleges are nearby and there are always college students looking for extra cash and they’re cheaper. Also, language groups. I have joined one. Bon chance!
3. A friend and I are discussing skydiving. I am scared of heights, but you only live once. I feel sick at the idea, but exhilarated at the same time.
I will leave you with this, “…but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one.” This line, this song brings tears to my eyes every time. I may be too much for a lot of people, but I am who I am.
Life, if you haven’t heard, can be really surprising. People, if you haven’t heard, can be really surprising. If you would have asked me 6 months ago, who would be the people to stand by me during troubled times in my life, my answer would have been different. Save for one person, it would have been completely off. Fate, happenstance….whatever brings the right people to you at the right time. These are three confessions of love and affection to three people who have shown me such love that it makes my heart hurt and my eyes burn with tears. How can you ever really thank people for loving you? Outside of loving them back, I can’t think of any way.
The first person is expected. He is my best friend. There have been times in my life where I really truly believed that a person and I really knew one another and I turned out to be very wrong. (Got me into a little trouble recently) I am here to say, no one has ever known me so completely like him. We were roommates and he held me up through so much in my life. We actually lived our lives together. It is rare that we have to explain things about ourselves to one another. He challenges me and keeps me sane. We love one another for who we are. We don’t push things on one another. It is an acceptance that I have never known from anyone else. A true kindred spirit, something I wish for everyone to feel. It is a pure love and friendship. The kind I wish I had in my own brothers. I love you, Mark.
He and I have been friends for almost 3 years. We disagree constantly. He shakes his head at me a lot. I roll my eyes at him everyday. We were close and then we drifted apart and now we are close again. We have unloaded some heavy shit onto one another’s plates. He is such an unemotional guy. Picture the most apathetic person you know, that is this guy, but sometimes when the time is just right, I pull things out of him. He has damned me many times. “Damn you, Sara. You’re the only person who makes me feel that weird stinging in my eyes.” Everyone has troubled times and burdens, but we suffer from similar things. I am crying as I say this, but I know he has seen the dark side too. I won’t say his name, but I will say I love you.
For the above two people, I have cheesy song lyrics that if anyone I knew found out I liked this song, they would crucify me. I refuse to tag the song as well. It is “1,2,3,4”. But really it fits. It is meant to be romantic, but in this case it is strictly platonic. I will just give everyone the gist, these two gentlemen give me more love than I’ve ever had and they make me feel better when I’m feeling sad. Without question, they make me feel special even when we all know I am not. They make me feel good when I am hurting and they piece me back together when I am falling apart. I love ya’ll.
The last unexpected
This is such a different support this person offers me. I have known him since I was 16 and we were in youth group together. He lived two houses down from me growing up and didn’t even know it! We reconnected recently and it clicked. Even when I think he is super cheesy and cliché, I enjoy his company. We have candide conversations that rarely happens nowadays. I don’t even know if he knows he is giving me support. He goes out with me and we just drink and laugh. He makes me feel that youthful optimism that I used to have. Thank you, Brian.
Unlike so many other friends, these three aren’t “too busy”. After a lot of irrational behavior, I have realized that I cannot expect every single friend to be there for me the way the above have. I love all of my friends and I hope they can all eventually forgive me for my immature and ridiculous behavior lately. I cannot expect my friends to know me the way Mark does or comfort me the way the other two do. I’m not exactly friend of the year to everyone. I see where I stand with other people and have no intention of pushing the envelope or boundaries with my other friends any longer.
To the three above, thank you for accepting me crazy and all.
It is fairly safe to say that I have not been myself in a while. I feel disconnected from my joie de vivre. No words even come to my mind when I try to explain my feelings, where I am, and what it is like to lose my joie de vivre. All it takes is a split second for me to completely snap or dissolve into tears. I feel heavy. I feel my self-confidence, my identity, my self-worth slipping through my finger tips. The shame that comes with this makes it harder to bear.
I will say this though, if you have someone, or in my case some three people, to bare your soul to and who understand how you operate, it makes this whole thing bearable. (Bear, bare, beeeeeer Ha!) I will write an entire blog dedicated to these three people and they will never even read it, but I want it out there.
I digress, as per usual.
What is this limbo? People are saying that this is common among post-graduates who enter the work force. I have discussed this at length they say, it is normal and okay to feel lost and confused. They say I will find my way out and I honestly believe I will. The process is just very painful for an emotionally charged person like myself and it is making it hard for me to communicate with others.
It is so easy for me to get lost in other things. I cannot allow myself to fade into nothing, into an ordinary human being. There are people with passions and there are passionate people. I am the latter. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I have met so few passionate people in my life. We are a small breed cut from this cloth (Borderline crazy) and that makes it all the more special when you meet a kindred spirit.
My choice to combat my confusion, clear my head, rid myself of unnecessary information, and focus on getting my life together…drumroll…disconnect from facebook, twitter, and texting. I have thought long and hard about this. I have asked myself what do I really need right.this.moment. There were actually multiply things that I needed, but clarity, space, and my genuine relationships ended up being the reasoning behind this decision. Whenever someone text me, I am going to just call them with my response. If they don’t answer my phone call, they don’t get an answer from me. Eliminating all the distractions from my life and focusing on what I really want, what I really need to do is what I really need to do, what I really want to do.
Au revoir social media and text based messaging! I love you. Our day will come again just not in the present.
Where do I begin? I would say I am a woman who believes in God. I would say that I am a woman who is part of the Christian faith. I am (excuse the cliché) a spiritual person. Am I the perfect example of Christ’s followers? No. No, I am not. People would call me a fickle, pick and choose Christian, but alas I don’t have to answer to them. I can only tell people how I feel despite what logic tells me. And that is that I believe in the Christian God. Okay. I hope that is clear.
Here is what I do NOT believe. Spreading blatantly false information in the name of religion. There is this bogus picture and story being shared on facebook about Albert Einstein showing up an atheist professor with an argument on God. Listen, I can appreciate that people are sharing a story that speaks of the goodness of faith and of faith when it is pure, BUT that is not the case. If people would simply check a few facts before they blindly spread false information, I wouldn’t feel that itch, that tick, that compulsion to be a debbie downing smart ass that says things like, “ACTUALLY” and proceeds to point out how what was said is untrue. I knnnnow being that way is so annoying.
Seriously, no one believes Albert Einstein had that conversation. I suggest people google how Einstein felt about God and religion. I also suggest people dig deeper into the argument that was presented in this made up scenario. There are flaws in the logic of the argument. If the answer to why God allows evil to exist is answered that simply, the debate would have been settled long ago.
Another thing that bothers me is that this story feeds into the smugness that atheists are famously stereotyped for possessing that spiritual people allegedly hate. Oooh! Look Mr. Highly Educated Atheist Professor, I can outwit you too! Smug smuggity smug. Don’t fall into that. Say your message with love and humility.
Moral of l’histoire, please fact check before you spread false information further embarrassing Christians by making us all look like we don’t believe in knowledge.
Peace be with you. Haha