Mais bien sur

It’s not going to happen because someone is a coward. Someone thinks it isn’t a choice. Someone doesn’t think I’m worth it.

Let’ see 1825 compared to 2. No competition. The choice was made and I lost. 

I was stupid enough to hang on to his  every drunken word.

Bud Light Lime and sunshine juice makes for a good time, but slow, sick morning.

Nightmares…nightmares…nightmares-sometimes they feel real. I had a string of them last night, which tells me that my subconscious is very unsettled.

The first one felt so real. My mom, sister, little brother were all together, but my mom and sister were drunk. My little brother and I were very unhappy about this and stayed in this one room away from them. They came and got us and said someone was in the kitchen wanting to talk to me. I walk into the kitchen and it is Rube, the head grim reaper from the show Dead Like Me. I know instantly that he is here to take my soul. He told me he knew I knew and he also knew I was scared so he brought some angels with him to make sure I would be okay. We are now in my old house from when I was growing up on that dead end street, except it is flipped. The first angel was Miley Cyrus and she simply smiled and hugged me. The second was a tall, skinny, Sally Struthers. I actually laughed out loud at the sight of them. I looked at Rube and asked him when it was going to happen and he said it already had. Next thing, I was out of my body and looking at myself dead as my sister and younger brother cried over me. I had died from asphyxiation by choking on an over sized gummi bear. My mom seemed to know I was still there and I run and hug her. I hold her for a long time until Rube tells me it it time to go. I look at my mom as she is crying and she seems puzzled and says, “I don’t know what I’m holding onto.” At this point, I break down in tears and can no longer feel her arms around me. I am like a soul is in the show where no one can see me, hear me, touch me.

We walk out to my old back yard and I turn to Rube and make a joke about how I would have liked to see a really attractive man before I had went. Miley, Sally, and I keep walking when Rube calls me back and when I turn around he is an incredibly handsome man and he smiles at me and I laugh. I feel very touched. He changes back and is walking beside to this tree that was in my yard. It looked exactly as it had in reality. It had been struck by lightning and was just really old, burnt, crooked and only produced very few leaves in the spring/summer. Out of nowhere, the ground is covered in snow and I laugh at the unfairness of it not actually being the winter of my life. We reach the tree and I turn to Miley and tell her that I’m scared. She soothes me and says there isn’t anything to be afraid of. Sally reaches up and pulls this telephone out of the sky that is made of clouds. Everything is so pristine white and she dials the number, but no one answers. Miley tries the phone next and the same thing happens. I begin to feel nervous as they keep trying to get an answer to no avail. The energy of the dream changes because they become nervous too. After the three of them gather around the phone for a while and then keep looking at me, I know. I JUST KNOW that I wasn’t supposed to die. They killed me by accident. I also know that I won’t be going to heaven, but will have to wait.

AND here is where I wake up. Reading back this dream is very funny, but it was scary and sad for me too. I woke up with tears pouring down my face. There are many ways I could think of this dream and it does reflect a lot of my waking thoughts and feelings, but that is just too personal for here. Hopefully, I am not psychic and dreaming of my own death. AH!  But some things, I don’t understand… I don’t listen to Miley Cryus, so why is she my angel? The last time I even thought about Sally Struthers was when I was watching that episode of South Park 6 months ago or so. So why is she my angel? Rube, I understand. Asphyxiation, I can see how that came up because I have been listening to that “John Wayne Gacy Jr.” song by Sufjan Stevens. and Gacy’s victims most likely died of it, instead of strangulation like he thought. And a gummi bear is what killed me….I do eat them at work, but for now I won’t be eating them anytime soon. Just in case.