Mais bien sur

A book club that I recently started with a few high school friends had its first meeting on Sunday. We chose The Hunger Games as our first book and decided to grab lunch and then the matinee of the movie. I had read The Hunger Games months ago, so I wasn’t as fresh on the discussion, but that’s okay because we didn’t discuss the book so much as played catch up. This isn’t the point of the blog, so I digress.

My thoughts on the movie were that it was rushed. The emotional connection and character development were lacking. I was surprised by this, I guess because The Hunger Games is a short book. After some reflection, I realized that Suzanne Collins did an amazing job with fitting an intricate, well thought out plot and EXCELLENT character development into a small book. (People who know me know I am a stickler for character development.) The movie was long for a movie and they did the best they could. The acting was good for the most part. They set the scene pretty accurately.

BUT, I have a problem.

My problem?

I am a story purist. I HATE HATE HATE when something I love so much is adapted into something that is not true to the “essence” of the story or characters or theme.  What did The Hunger Games mess up in my mind? Peeta. They messed up Peeta in one scene, they messed him up and after that I couldn’t see him as the Peeta from the book. When they are on the way to the Capitol and he cries? He didn’t stand up to Haymitch pretty much at all? He allowed himself to be bullied by him? He didn’t reach for Katniss? He didn’t have that je ne sais quoi? Urgh. 

Overall, I enjoyed the movie. Yes, I will see the rest of the movies. I may even go see this one in the theater again. Katniss was well cast and a natural beauty with almost the right demeanor. I recommend it to people who have read the books, but those who have not-that is not what the hype is about.

One of the hardest things is when someone you love is taken away from you. My cousin who was more like an Uncle to us was killed in a car accident today. His wife and my mother  (a recent widow herself)were shaking with tears and holding one another when she said, “It’s not fair. We were robbed. Our babies were robbed.” Those words are burned into my brain. 

Every time I stop for a second today, I hear those words. My chest feels tight and my breath catches in my throat. I see them, these two wonderful women who were wonderful wives with loving husbands trying to raise their sons without a father through their teenage years. The people who lose their fathers very young or never knew their fathers at all, don’t know what they are missing, but these boys do. My little brother, my younger cousins they expected forever and now their mothers are left trying to manage on their own.

They were robbed. Their babies were robbed. 

I haven’t slept for over 26 hours now. I feel funny, but not sleepy. Insomnia makes me paranoid. I get irrational and my anxiety spikes to an unholy level. I don’t want to be alone, but I don’t want to talk to people. My body feels lethargic, but my mind won’t let it settle. My eyes even move weird in my eye sockets. Haha I feel so stressed out about not being able to find a job. I am stressed out over money because I don’t have a job. I am stressed about my relationships. I am stressed about the possibility of grad school. Mostly I am stressed about being unemployed still. I reflect on my job rejections and I try to improve my interviews and skills. I understand that employers are looking for someone with established business experience and I don’t have that. I had a wonderful internship. I worked a job all through college. I volunteered. Doesn’t that say something to anyone? Every night before I fall asleep, my last prayer is that I find a job soon, a real job with benefits and potential for growth. This girl wants a career.

You know what else this girl wants? 10-12 hours of uninterrupted sleep with pleasant dreams and then wake up to a bright morning sun on a lovely March Saturday. Life’s for living not staring into thin air like you’ve never seen the invisible to the naked eye gases we breathe. 

I am asking people to not do the very thing that I do every day. Please don’t judge me on the things I am about to confess to you. These are a few things that if someone only heard this about me, I feel they would make a terrible misreading on me because I enjoy these things.

1. I love The Real Housewives of name a city, any city-  I watch and love the Real Housewives franchises and their spin offs on Bravo TV. I watch and love Teen Mom and Teen Mom 2. I have in depth conversations about the people on these shows. I judge the people on these shows, which may be why I love them so much. I read the Real Housewives’ blog and read online articles about them. I seek information out about them! Reality television isn’t exactly life changing television and it is never intellectually stimulating. These shows have never inspired me to make a change in my own life and they have never influenced what I wear or how I think. It is mindless entertainment that allows me to see “real life” drama unfold in front of me that I don’t actually have to be involved in, which is exactly what I prefer. It is entertaining. It allows my friend Tony and I to make complete lists of our favorite housewives of all time and message each other our opinions on the events taking place. The thing is, I am embarrassed to tell people how much I love this show in mixed company. If I meet a stranger, I don’t want them knowing that I love these shows because I am afraid they will think I am vapid and stupid. 

2. I love romance- I love over-the-top, mellow dramatic, over dramatic, completely cliché- romance. The mushy stuff that we all roll our eyes at and label superficial in public. I LOVE IT! And it isn’t just because I am a woman, because I know women who don’t love it (that I think secretly do. Miranda from Sex and the City, anyone? A show that is cliché and stereotypical THAT I LOVE!). If the sentiment is genuine from a guy, I love it when they are super romantic for me. Flowers, candy hearts, Valentine’s Day, and mixed cd’s? Yes! True life love stories that are in the lifestyles pieces on the news? Yes, please! Black and white movies, Disney songs, old couples hitting up the early bird specials together at a diner, guys standing outside your window with a radio, Jim’s speech for Pam, the Avett Brothers declaring “…if it’s the beaches sands you want then you will have them”, unrequited love that comes to be? I think it is magical and makes me all soft inside. I cry in romance movies and during the lovey-dovey parts of books. Do I tell people I love it? If asked, I do. If you catch me on the right day, I come right out and say it openly. Why am I embarrassed? Because modern women aren’t supposed to be falling all over themselves for that stuff. I AM independent, smart, strong, and I consider myself equal to any man and I wouldn’t ever want anyone to mistake that. But, I still want to be swept off my feet. 

3. My itunes- I have some music that would be considered really uncool on my itunes. Celine Dion, Mariah Carey, Will Smith,  and The Chipmunks 35th Anniversary c.d. I just like this stuff. Celine and Mariah have powerful voices that bring me to tears. Will Smith’s “Gettin’ Jiggy With It” takes me back to 5th grade along with the Spice Girls, Hanson, Backstreet Boys, etc. The Chipmunks 35th Anniversary c.d….I just like their squeaked up voices singing popular songs like “Leader of the Pack” and “Witch Doctor”. There are far too many music snobs out there and although, I am not innocent of making a snarky remark or two about a person’s music preference. That was the past. A couple years ago, I decided to take a break from the fun police force and stop paroling the music choices of others. I now let people enjoy the music they enjoy without being a bitch about it. And you know what I found? People don’t think I am a bitch about music anymore. If I could stop doing that, then I feel I could really commit to being less judgmental about everything else and let more people into my life.

4. Reading self-help books- The odd thing is that I don’t usually read the popular self-help books. I read the ones found in bargain bins…ehhh dubious? Yes. People might look at me and think I am pathetic? Or worse that I don’t have my own identity? I do, but I love reading books and articles that could possibly help me improve my life. A book called “An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life”  by the Dalai Lama is what sparked this surge to purge the judgment from my life. I take the ideas for a better life that I like from these books and leave the rest, but I hide them from my bookshelves and don’t talk to anyone about them unless they already know me fairly well.

5. I am terrible at directions, it takes me longer than most to solve sudoku puzzles, I’m not as smart as I come off to be-I could not find my way out of a box. I get confused very easily and have a hard time visualizing the lay out of the mall or a theme park and need a map. It takes me longer than 10 minutes to solve sudoku puzzles and those are on level easy. But you know what? I love logic puzzles. I don’t care that is takes me longer than usual to solve them. If you looked at my Professor Layton games, you would see that I have spent many hours playing them before I beat them. Do I argue with people a lot on political, religious, philosophical issues? Yes, but that is because I have literally spent hours and hours of my life reading and researching topics. I try to be as informed as possible. When I am arguing with someone I am not particularly close to and I start start realizing I might be wrong on something, 9/10 times I will switch up the game and “win” the argument anyway. (If I am close to someone, I am 9.5/10 times, open to admitting I am wrong and conceding. It doesn’t bother me to admit fault or mistake with people I am really close to because it isn’t about “winning” with them.) Doing the very thing I hate. I am very good at rhetoric. My major was communication. I may not be able to figure out a way out of the box, but by God I can talk myself out of that box. 

May I open my heart to new people and new ideas without judgment!

Positive stereotypes can be just as damaging as negative ones because they are still not allowing people to see a person as a whole individual. They are misleading. Positive stereotypes create a facade, which leads to a halo effect. Here are a list of things that I judge people for in everyday life.

Thumbs up!

1. Obama/Biden bumper stickers- I see this and think kindred spirit. Haha! What? That makes no sense. Just because someone votes like me, clearly does not mean I will like them. I have many conservative friends that I adore and I know many liberals that I cannot stand, but I see that bumper sticker on someone’s car and forgive them for cutting me off or not letting me over when the two lanes are merging because they probably have a lot on their minds or they just didn’t see me. 

2. List multiple indie films as their favorite movies - You love independent films! I bet you enjoy philosophy too! And eating at ethnic restaurants! And learning a foreign language! And are just an all around open minded and interesting person! 

3. People who wear glasses (bonus if they are thick rimmed)- These people are like me and are too cool for contact lenses. People who wear glasses are openly flipping the bird to societies idea of conventional beauty. For many, many years people who wear glasses have been stereotyped as uncool and if they just took their glasses off, they could be attractive too. I almost only attracted to men who wear glasses. Glasses make you look smart and smart is sexy. 

4. Harry Potter fans (books only)-You have excellent taste! I bet you are an independent thinker who cares about world politics, justice, and has heard of Amnesty International. You probably know a thing or two about philosophy as well. I see these people and think these things. I think, “They get it”. 

5. Mothers who carry their babies in that sling thing- The best mothers ever! I bet they breast feed their babies. They read to their babies and play music for them. I look at these women and think, “THAT is the kind of mom I want to be.”

Notice something blatantly obvious about the positive stereotypes? They are all things that I can relate to and that align with my own personal preferences. I associate positive things with things that I like. I wear glasses. I love independent films and am completely in love with Harry Potter. I support President Obama and as I said, I want to be a mom who carries her baby in that sling thing. Personal preference. I associate these things with other positive traits in myself, so I project them onto others. I have met Harry Potter fans who don’t give a shit about world politics and justice, but they really enjoyed the story. I know people who wear glasses who are not smart. I know ass holes with the Obama/Biden bumper stickers. I have met people who are not anything like me that I thoroughly enjoy their company and that I admire. 

The moral of this story is the same. Making snap judgments of people is a terrible decision. It has lead me to possibly exclude some very wonderful people from my life and has lead me to waste time on some people whose personality is like oil and mine is water. They just don’t mix. I want to fight this instinct. I don’t want to be so critical. I mean, hell, how would I feel if I knew what things people were making snap judgments on me about? Like shit! That is how I would feel.

Next blog: Things people could seriously misread about me based on snap judgments.

I think society as a whole has always been judgmental. I would like to say that we are more enlightened and things are getting better, but I don’t think they are. I think we are just judging people in a different way and we have way more avenues to pass judgment. It is a faux pas to admit that you judge people, but I will be damned if we don’t all do it or have done it at some point in our lives. Is it an ass hole thing to do? Yes. Is it unfair? Most of the time. So, I am here to say, I am judge-y. It is something that I trying to work on because I feel it has gotten out of hand! I now find myself judging people for the smallest, most insignificant things. Lord help me, but here are a few things that I judge people for in every day life. 

Thumbs down

1. Ugg boots- All it takes for me to immediately think a girl is a complete airhead and nitwit is to see her doning a pair of Uggs on her feet. It isn’t that the shoes are too hideous for my own taste, but it is that the girls I do meet wearing those shoes do tend to be rather superficial and completely boring. And probably couldn’t name their own state senator. It isn’t just that I think these things, it is that I act on them. I am prejudice against these girls. I actively avoid conversation with them because I assume the stereotype. My eyes sweep over them, land on the shoes, and I can’t be bothered for another second with them. “I would never be friends with her”, I tell myself. 

2. ipads- This is a real conversation that I have had with someone. 

Me: Why don’t you get an ipad?

Person: Because I’m not a douche.

***And we laugh hysterically.***

What the hell? I see someone with an ipad and see someone trying too hard and most likely a douche. From what experience have I come to this conclusion?!?! My dad has an ipad! And I don’t think he is a douche. But, there is something about them that makes me think someone is trying way too hard to reach a certain status symbol, especially if they already have an iphone. I see them and roll my eyes. But, why? I have a macbook pro for a laptop, but an ipad….ohhhh you can go sit with the girls in the Ugg boots.

3. Smoking cigarettes- When I see smokers, my first thoughts arrrre idiot, weak, trying way too hard to be cool, annnnnd get the hell away from me. I don’t feel the need to explain this one because if you haven’t heard there is a serious positive correlation between cigarettes and cancer. 

4. Men in t-shirts with designs on them that look the cast from Jersey Shore wears them- Ed Hardy, Affliction, Tap-Out….anything of that nature. And I think cast of Jersey Shore. Although, I will admit that I think Vinny is sexy if he would only not wear those stupid shirts.

5. People who don’t read books- People who don’t read are not my kind of people. I don’t care what you read. If you stock up on chick-lit books all day and read them until your hopeless romantic heart burst, I look at you and say someone really loves funny, light hearted book. Read whatever you want. Reading proves imagination to me. People who don’t read books automatically make me think they are dumb and lack brain power. They lack imagination and are not my kind of people. 

These are my thumb down judgments. The things I automatically associate with negative qualities. Could it be that a person is still smart and imaginative, but just doesn’t like to read? Could it be that men who wear stupid design t-shirts are not douche bags? Could it be that a girl in Ugg boots isn’t superficial and maybe just likes the way they look? An ipad user may be a techie who isn’t trying far too hard to be hip? A person could smoke because….well they are stupid, but they may not be trying to be cool? Personal preference is different for everyone, isn’t it? If it makes you happy, you don’t have to refrain from purchasing or doing something just because there are stereotypes attached to it. I don’t stereotype people based on their orientation, race, religion, etc., so why do I think it is okay to do it on a brief snapshot of an individual? I don’t think it is okay. I making a vow to NOT be prejudice and NOT act on these stereotypes. 

Next blog: Positive stereotypes and the damage they can do.

Have you ever had a friend so long that you didn’t realize you may have outgrown one another? I have had a person who I call my best friend since high school and despite periods of separation in our live, we have remained close….until I moved to the same area.  

And I thought this might happen. Honestly. We are different people with different attitudes and ideas about life, but we have a lot in common too. I was hoping the things we have in common would keep our friendship strong, but now I’m not so sure. Even before I moved here, I felt (this is hard for me to say) fake when we spoke or hung out. Like I was putting on a show of someone who wasn’t me. When did this start? Why? I can’t put my finger on it. I am starting to think the most painful thought though, we have outgrown one another. If this is the case, I don’t see the point in bringing this up with my possibly former best friend. I am not the type of person to have a big blow out with someone and never speak to them again. I am the type to let things go on the decline naturally. Do I want this? No, of course not. But is it for the best? It might be.

Is it that horrible of a thing to just be friends with someone as opposed to best friends? Is it a big deal? Is it bad that I don’t even know if I want to put the effort in to maintain our best friendship? Whhhat? I just feel more excluded from her life than I ever have and that is when we lived hundreds of miles apart from one another. She isn’t the first person I text when I get good news or bad news or any news anymore, frankly. She isn’t even a person that I text with news and if I do it is in passing and not really important. 

I have said before that friendships are the hardest relationships to keep. The ties that hold friends together are so very different than that of family. No sex and no family functions forcing you to interacting with a person. Friendships are strictly based on interactions and preferences. They are difficult to maintain.

For now, I am going to do such an unlike me and not do a damn thing. I have tried to salvage friendships in the past with similar conversations. Yes, they were maintained, but they were damaged and it took WORK to get back to a good place. In once case, it took an outside part to help mend the friendship. Those were different circumstances. I didn’t feel fake with them…I felt guarded. Now, I feel faaaake. Fake. Fake. FAKE.

And it isn’t that I don’t care and it isn’t that I don’t like my possibly old best friend. It is that I don’t even want to go there. I don’t even want to have a conversation. I would rather our friendship fade into an acquaintance than have this conversation. It makes me feel sad that would just rather not. It is not like me to not be proactive in my relationships with people. Someone who I used to feel so close to and now all I feel is disingenuous. If there is one thing I cannot fake or tolerate, that is *inorganic relationships. 

I hate to use that word. REALLY, I do. Inorganic. It is just the same as when someone says “raw” or “real”. I want to roll my eyes and tell that person to get over themselves and maybe I need to get over myself, but it really is how I feel.

I, like a lot of people, have a dysfunctional family that has made my life harder, made me stronger, and at least kept my life more interesting than most. After all the bull shit is said and done, I love them regardless. 

I have recently moved back to a metro area where I went to high school and two of my sisters live. One of my sisters knows me very well and while she doesn’t understand me, she accepts me. My other sister just simply does not get me and because there is an 7 year age gap, tends to play mother hen with me. I spent the night with her last night, despite having felt unwell most of the day. We had a really good time and I am so happy to see her way more relaxed. She is going to a class at church that seems to have eased her heart and mind so much. I was able to get some much needed time with her kids and for the first time ever, I was able to let my guard down with her. Speak to her in a way more upfront and genuine way. (Praise God for these classes and the work He has done on her because she just seemed soooo much happier and way more at ease.) 

Well, I woke up this morning and I watched the kids while her and her husband took the time to get some much needed sleep. When she woke up, we were sitting on her couch and she, who is obsessed with ripping the split ends out of her own hair, was looking at mine. (I strictly forbid her to break off any ends of my hair.) And that is when we had a conversation that we have had many times before and always leaves me rolling my eyes and laughing. While, she laughs, but is just a little bit serious about at the same time.

Sister: Do you know what I want to do?

Me: What?

Sister: Put you on The Bachelor!

Me: Urgh! How many times do I have to tell you “nooooo way”?

Sister: Why not?

Me: First, I don’t want to be on t.v., especially for something fake like that. Second, I am fairly private and really would not want my life to be broadcast on television. Third, I don’t even watch the show myself, WHY would I go on it?

Sister:….You don’t want to be on t.v.?