It is fairly safe to say that I have not been myself in a while. I feel disconnected from my joie de vivre. No words even come to my mind when I try to explain my feelings, where I am, and what it is like to lose my joie de vivre. All it takes is a split second for me to completely snap or dissolve into tears. I feel heavy. I feel my self-confidence, my identity, my self-worth slipping through my finger tips. The shame that comes with this makes it harder to bear.
I will say this though, if you have someone, or in my case some three people, to bare your soul to and who understand how you operate, it makes this whole thing bearable. (Bear, bare, beeeeeer Ha!) I will write an entire blog dedicated to these three people and they will never even read it, but I want it out there.
I digress, as per usual.
What is this limbo? People are saying that this is common among post-graduates who enter the work force. I have discussed this at length they say, it is normal and okay to feel lost and confused. They say I will find my way out and I honestly believe I will. The process is just very painful for an emotionally charged person like myself and it is making it hard for me to communicate with others.
It is so easy for me to get lost in other things. I cannot allow myself to fade into nothing, into an ordinary human being. There are people with passions and there are passionate people. I am the latter. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I have met so few passionate people in my life. We are a small breed cut from this cloth (Borderline crazy) and that makes it all the more special when you meet a kindred spirit.
My choice to combat my confusion, clear my head, rid myself of unnecessary information, and focus on getting my life together…drumroll…disconnect from facebook, twitter, and texting. I have thought long and hard about this. I have asked myself what do I really need right.this.moment. There were actually multiply things that I needed, but clarity, space, and my genuine relationships ended up being the reasoning behind this decision. Whenever someone text me, I am going to just call them with my response. If they don’t answer my phone call, they don’t get an answer from me. Eliminating all the distractions from my life and focusing on what I really want, what I really need to do is what I really need to do, what I really want to do.
Au revoir social media and text based messaging! I love you. Our day will come again just not in the present.